I love you. You’ve taken me places I would never have gone. You’ve given solace when I was alone. You kept me from other versions of self-harm. Your offer of ice cream and peanut butter was better than cutting my arm open. You kept me safe. So, thank you.
Thanks for being around. Thanks for staying the same when nothing felt stable. Thanks for not judging me but just accepting I was in front of you again, looking for solace, comfort, peace, approval, when I couldn’t find it anywhere else.
You did more than your job. You’ve been working around the clock all these years. You’ve been pulling more weight than you needed to. I really appreciate that. Thanks for your efforts and your time. Thanks for your company. Thanks for the hits of pleasure. Thanks for the ride salty and sweet and of fat and umami. Thanks for the out of body and mind experiences—these were quite the trips, right? The approved drug of choice for a good Christian girl. Once again, you rose beyond the call of duty.
So, here’s my release to you, dear Food. You no longer have to work so hard for me. I’m better now and improving every day. Please take a vacation. Go see other friends. GO back to your intended job. Overtime hours aren’t good for you or me.
I’m not firing you, nor am I kicking you out of my life completely. I love you, you know? But I’m letting you go back to your proper place. The place of nourishment, of joy, and of community. I don’t need you in the dark anymore, because I have friends in my life. I don’t need you to take me out of my body anymore because my body is good and strong and beautiful, just as she is. I don’t need you to numb my emotions anymore (thank you for this all these years) because feelings are okay for me to have. They are welcome in my life.
I have room for the largeness of myself. I just needed to reclaim it. I have space to love and to be loved. I have the right to this space. I deserve kindness and joy and light. Yes, I also want to have the wine and the chocolate and the cheesecake and the pizza. But I will also feel sad and lonely. I will also allow anger its place. I will feel hurt and speak up when I am. I will allow myself the effervescence of joy and the bubbliness of laughter.
To all of it.
Someone once said that God could have created us to live without you, Food, but the fact is that He did not. So, here’s what I am asking of you. Please nourish my body. Give her vitamins and minerals that she requires. Give her tasty experiences at mealtimes which satisfy her hunger. Show up at family gatherings and holidays and birthdays. Put your best foot forward. I’ll cheer you on. Me, in this body with all her flaws and imperfections. Me, fully myself.
Thank you so much for all your efforts on my behalf. I’ve got it from here. I’m not alone. Take a break from your extra duties. I’ll see you around.
All my love,